cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
