Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
