Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
