why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She's the barista slut.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
he high fived his dick after we had sex
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize