college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
