I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
