as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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