I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
