he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize