you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
