alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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