she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
