You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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