i just wanna soil my oats bro
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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