thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
