; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
