i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
