i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
