i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize