Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
