Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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