Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
