I will die if light touches me.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
