she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
