he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
