we're blogging at a bar
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
