I just pynch a tree in the face
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize