watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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