3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
