Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
