Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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