Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
