The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
