did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
