you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
