The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I need a burrito and a hug.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
