On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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