Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
