Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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