She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
