I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize