She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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