so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
