oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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