Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You can't just leave with hair like that
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
