genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
