woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
and she was petting her beer can
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
