Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Randomize
