Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
being pregnant is like rehab
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
