i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
