Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Hippo gnu deer
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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