I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
