i think i have two assholes
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize