Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
