so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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