my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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