We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize