So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
