If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
