I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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