Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
