oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
