Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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