and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
