having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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