good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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