I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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