I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
