did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
