her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
